


does this count as diplomatic immunity?

by jackalshepherd



Category: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Anal Fingering, Link is this close to being a small town gay and he hooks up with bad luck, Link/his hand, M/M, Masturbation, Non-Penetrative Sex, Smut, get that divine intervention hook up cause you deserve it brenda (link), touch screen technology can be a pain sometimes huh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:13:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28403025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackalshepherd/pseuds/jackalshepherd
Summary: Link and Sidon have this infuriating relationship where they're such good friends, they spend so much time together, and Link just loves admiring him--wait. Stop. Link uses a night to allow himself some pleasure, and one moment of weakness has it take quite the turn.This is basically an explicit fic with romcom levels of absolute absurdity.
Relationships: Link/Prince Sidon
Comments: 15
Kudos: 245





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so I am Not a romance writer or a smut writer on the regular, I just have friends who give me absurd ideas and my hands just start typing. Can you believe I've got all these WIPs in my drive, and what's the thing I end up doing? Link doing nighttime handiwork. Unbelievable. 
> 
> Nothing freaky or too graphic, but it is rated E and has tags for a reason.

It’s just reaching sunset after a long day, and Link lets himself melt into the bed, hair down, shirtless, and only clothed in his snowquill pants that he’ll use for sleeping sometimes. Now that he’s not busy and distracted, the quiet evening lets his thoughts wander again from this morning. Usually, he’s never really home long enough to do more than have small talk with the other villagers. An exception being Bolson and Karson, given that they’d loitered on his lawn to the point where if he avoided them without saying anything it would be weird. So it’s been strange, to settle with the weird type of loneliness he gets. Hateno is dangerous with gossip, and there’s only so many times he can do favors for people before any appeal he’d have to make something more substantial is lost. 

He’s tired and restless all at once, and...he misses the Domain. The Zora there remember him from before, and they--usually Bazz or Kodah-- practically bear hug him into catching up the few times he stops by, with no hard feelings about who he was before. He misses Sidon. He misses him, and simultaneously wants to implode every time he sees him. Zelda teased him once that no matter what mood he’s in, as soon as Sidon walks into the room, Link looks at him as if he brought in a whole food tray along with him. So, the prince is a walking talking personification of a hylian retriever, with the strength to tackle a strong horse, and he’s able to hold his own in a fight, sue him. Sidon has this way with words, and an optimistic attitude that’s hard to find, but Link has seen him easily turn the table and use his voice to command an entire room, demanding the same respect given to the King, he could even command Link if he wanted to-- _wait. Stop._ Link shakes his head at that moment against his pillow, trying not to think of the prince’s voice, his muscle movements when he watched Sidon’s weapon training once, back muscles flexing, shoulder fins drawing attention to his biceps--and _goddess damn it all_ , he’s twitching in his pants. 

...Link takes a deep breath, and scolds himself that his friend happens to be a diplomatic figure, and should be seen with respect, not thought of as if he’s a piece of meat he’s trying to eat....his brain then brings up the image of Sidon, from an early morning they spent fishing with spears together, and how focused and attentive his eyes were, tracking any subtle movement in the water. Maybe his eyes would have the same attention when focused elsewhere, watching someone else move--and now he’s half hard.  _ Fantastic.  _

... _ Well, it’s a good thing there’s no housemates.  _ Link lets out a deep sigh, and settles to finish his night with a hands on approach, grabbing the vial of oil from his nightstand drawer. With his hands warmed up, he shifts the snowquill trousers down to his thighs, and slowly strokes down his chest, past the trail of light hair on his navel, and continues further to massage his scrotum. The first few pulses are enough to get his face flushed, and he spreads his thighs a bit wider, moving up to the base of his cock, making one long teasing stroke to the tip. He’s still quiet, only a deep sigh after every few strokes, his hold focusing on the nerves at the head. Link relaxes, and turns his head into the pillow, closing his eyes. His right hand, previously holding onto the bed sheets underneath, moves to stroke up and down his chest, moving to his side, sending a choked out gasp when he reaches a sensitive part of his waist, raising goosebumps on his skin. 

His strokes get a little faster now, but he’s in no hurry to finish, and Link has his free hand travel back down, leaving light scratches on his inner thigh, dragging out a soft whimper, sounding breathy as he imagines the nails belonging to someone else, with sharper nails, and larger hands. Despite his earlier thoughts, Link can’t help but wander back to Sidon.  _ Would he want to watch? Or would he be restless and have his hands on him? He’s encouraging in regular conversation...would he be softly encouraging in this situation, cooing praises as he watches, or would it shift to when he has the firm tone he uses to sway anything in his favor?  _

Link opens his eyes after that bit of imagination, making his hand go faster, collecting the wet drops that leak from the tip, the sound of his stroking deepening the red on his face. He moves his right hand to grab his Sheikah Slate from the nightstand, swiping through the photo album one handed, managing to keep it balanced on his stomach, swiping from the top with his thumb. _Almost_... _ there it is.  _ A picture he stealthily took, when he was  _ respectfully watching  _ a sparring match between Sidon and Rivan, practicing with grappling moves in the event weapons weren’t available. It was taken from the side view, at the right moment when Sidon had Rivan pinned against the floor, his entire core working to keep the other pinned, his back muscles, arms, and even thighs, applying strength. Needless to say, the position the prince was in could be taken as provocative out of context, and the same weakness in the knees from that day came back, causing his legs to twitch, and his hand to regretfully let go of his cock. Stroking wouldn’t be enough, and he reached to warm up his two middle fingers in more oil. 

Link lets out a soft moan, circling his entrance, gently, barely pushing in, to get used to the feeling again after a while of no practice. His head drops back down to the pillow, eyes half-lidded, gazing at the photo.  _ How much strength would the shark prince need to pin him down..?  _ His right thigh skids up, bent at the knee in an attempt to stay open, and precum dripping out of the head, onto his stomach, he’s sure he’d make a good photo as well. He’s restless and hot, so he pushes the two fingers further in, starting a deep drag, as far as his knuckles will go, and back, replicating a slow, deep thrust. He glances at the image on the slate again, and he swallows, trying to imagine he’s using Sidon’s hand instead. 

_ ‘Ohhh, fuck--hnn..’  _

His pants are down to his calves, fingers still keeping a steady pace, thrusting hard, sending out moans from his chest, husky moans tapering into a whimper as his hips try to follow the movement. He tries to feel a phantom hold, pinning him by his chest, imagining the whispered praises as he tries to stay still, Sidon keeping him down as his hips try to bounce back, leaving scratch marks on his thighs, maybe his chest. His eyes have been closed during this fantasy, his thighs are shaking from stimulation, and his hands are getting tired, from thrusting, and holding up the slate. A deep thrust of his fingers hit the perfect spot, as his whole body gives a twitch, shuddering in pleasure, punching out a wavy moan. His hand holding up the slate twitches too, accidentally swiping the screen to the side, but that can wait. His eyes closed in pleasure, pumping himself _faster_ , and it’s harder to keep his thighs apart. Link imagines he looks a mess, with wet thighs and a stomach, sending whimpers and moans out into the room. 

He’s getting a little closer now, he might be able to cum without needing to stroke himself, the way this is going. His body gives another sensitive twitch, because  _ fuck,  _ he’s so  _ close, come on, harder, please, fuck--  _

—and then his thumb slips. 

Then...multiple things happen in the span of three seconds: Link drops the Slate onto his stomach, his hand following the full body shudder, and landing on the slate screen...His eyes widen at hearing the sound of a confirmation beep on the screen...And his heart starts to crawl up his throat when he starts to transfer into blue static matter, panicking, wondering how and when the map screen was selected....and his eyes were closed so he doesn’t know where he tapped. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link stars in the next cheesy adult film, titled "Tap That."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've no idea what happened this chapter, it got away from me astronomically. This was supposed to FUNNY, and then it just....took off.

...The small jaded part of his brain comments, while he’s not fully formed yet, that if he ends up in Hebra, or Hylia forbid, Death Mountain, half naked and covered in his own fluids, he’s never touching himself _again_. He’ll probably throw himself into the nearest monster den. 

It takes a couple seconds for him to be corporeal again, and another second more to know he’s not in danger of burning his bare extremities alive, or getting frostbite in an unfortunate place. He does also take note...that he is in the small alcove, where the Ne’ez Yohma Shrine sits tucked away in Zora’s Domain….he also _still has his fingers inside_ him. _Shit._ He tries to pull himself back into focus and out of his ecstasy all while pulling his pants up _oh good he only has pants on._ He sits on the entrance pad of the shrine, slate on his thigh, and he’s just about to warp himself back to to Hateno in the stealthiest way possible, _because he’s still half naked and his hands are wet with--_

He hears someone choke from the entrance. _Oh...oh, no._ Link wipes his face of any emotion, making his head be completely empty, and slowly, turns his neck up. 

_Fuck._

There’s Sidon, standing in the entryway, halfway down the stairs, holding a zora longblade in one hand, and eyes wider than they’ve ever been. 

Link’s brain cycles through _‘I can explain’_ to ‘ _so uh what’re you doing here?’_ even though he’s the one technically trespassing, and then, frightfully, _‘how much did you see?’_ Though all that manages to come out of his short circuiting throat is…

“.....Hi, Sidon…..” and he dearly wishes the Lynel from Shatterback would snipe him right now. Can the Lynel see from there? It should. It wouldn’t be too hard. 

Sidon, graceful, merciful being that he is, swallows, blinks, and quietly chokes out an awkward response.

“Hey yourself, Link….um—“ he takes this second to glance behind him, making sure no one is around, fortunately it’s nighttime, and the patrol guards are further towards the main bridges. 

“I was just…dropping off this sword, to set it by the shrine….um,—“ _so that’s how there’s always a sword by the shrine._ Sidon is doing everything he can to not look at Link’s pants. He looks at his face, then his chest, realizes that’s a mistake too, and settles for just to the right of Link’s head. “...pardon me for asking, but...did you _intend_ to warp here with—“ 

“ _No! Uh, no, no.”_ Link changes to sit crossed legged, to _close his legs finally,_ and continues “something went wrong with the Slate, so...I’ll just be going, now...if you could kindly not...mention this to anyone.” Link is very close to handing Sidon a handful of rupees with the bribe of ‘ _maybe drink enough to forget this happened’_ because he and Zelda have worked very hard to maintain a peaceful standing with the Zora after the Calamity, _he’ll be damned if his lonely evening activity ruins it,_ and has his hands halfway to his map when Sidon interrupts. 

“Wait, Link, um…” he sets the sword down, leaning it against the wall, and steps further into the entryway, standing in the water now.

“Would you want to come inside?” _Bad wording, prince. “_ To rinse off? I might have a spare shirt from when you last visited.” Sidon’s mind warring between his habit of hospitality, and the logic that Link already owns a house, with his own things, including water and shirts. Luckily for him, Link’s mind isn’t functioning properly either, and answers with a shy nod, face reddening as he straps on the Slate, and shuffles through the water to follow the prince. 

He mentally scolds himself not to look at Sidon seeing as he was fantasizing about him less than five minutes ago. He gets short circuited again, when he feels Sidon’s hand bring him closer, his hand warming his lower back as he almost tries to shield the hylian with his body, walking with him to…. _To where exactly?_

To Link’s surprise, he is not taken to the lockup, or the archery square in front of a firing range, but past the throne room, empty for once, down a hallway behind the throne. He’s led down a luminous staircase, tunneling down to what must be the underbelly of the domain, reaching what must be below water level, coming to a series of hallways, well lit by luminous stones, wearing the same intricate architecture as the place above, leading to different rooms. 

He realizes he’s trembling a little when he feels Sidon’s hand rubbing up and down his back, like he’s trying to soothe a horse, and walks him to a door...into a bedroom.

“Sorry, I think this is the first time you’ve been in here. Go ahead and be comfortable, I’ll see if I can find those clothes I mentioned.” 

Sidon leaves Link in the center of the room, and is shuffling through a set of drawers in the corner of the room. The Zora don’t wear clothes besides minimal armor and decoration, so he has to look between intricate carvings and forgotten papers to find anything. 

Link, always taking the opportunity to be nosy, tries to ignore the fact that his inner thighs are still a little wet and sticky, _gross_ , and sees the main focal points of the room. There’s a large sleeping pool on one side of the room, opposing it is a large desk covered in papers and small stone tablets next to the storage dresser, and interestingly enough, a weapon stand, displaying a zora made broadsword, and two silver tridents. _Sidon’s room, then._ And then, a second later, _oh, goddess, I’m in Sidon’s room!_

Oblivious to Link’s panic, the prince walks over, placing his hand on Link’s shoulder to catch his attention, offering the jacket he found, dark blue in color, with sheep pelt inside for warmth, accidentally left behind when Link visited with Zelda. When turning, Link startles at how close they are, nearly bumping into him. Sidon, hand still on his friend’s shoulder, takes note in the back of his head that Link has grown since last time they met, his head lining up with the middle of his stomach, rather than his hips. 

Link, trying very hard not to gaze at the muscles in front of him, takes the jacket, though he still stays close. 

“Um. Thank you...for keeping this. And for letting me in to change.” He tries not to get too weak at how Sidon is moving him, putting the jacket on for him. Sidon keeps his hands on Link’s hood, keeping his shoulders warm. 

“It’s not a problem, Link.” He glances to the side, seems to think to himself for a second, and looks back at Link, catching his eyes. 

“It’s none of my business, but...what _were_ you doing, that it made you forget what you were doing with the Slate…?” 

Link freezes, hands on Sidon’s waist to steady himself, and mentally implodes on how to explain himself. Sidon’s hands on his shoulders aren’t helping. 

“Umm…”

“Link….what were you _thinking_ about, before you ended up here...?” The hylian turns red, embarrassed, head down facing the floor. His head gets gently tilted back up, Sidon’s hand cradling his chin, and Sidon says, quietly: 

“I didn’t mind letting you in to change...I’d like to let you in again.”

—- 

It’s late into the night now, the only people awake and moving are the zora guards on patrol, cruising the perimeter of the Domain. Beneath the Domain, in the carved out halls of coral skeleton and luminous stone, Link and Sidon are very much awake, though Link is having a hard time believing if he’s really awake or just having a very thoroughly planned dream. He doesn’t mind either way, laying his head back on the floor, laying on gathered blankets and pillows with his jacket hood cushioning his head, sending out sighs and breathy moans into the air. Sidon, resting on top of him, strokes up and down his obliques and he mouths at his neck, listening to the gasps and moans, feeling the vibrations of Link’s voice as he moves. Sidon, a little lost in his euphoria, reaches a hand to hold Link softly around the throat.

“Ahh, wait...wait..” Link, still dazed, reaches up to hold Sidon’s hand. Sidon, attentive to the change in tone, lets his hand be held, and moves his mouth to whisper. 

“You don’t like that?”

“Mm. Feels weird…”

“Then I won’t do that.” He stops, but still holds Link’s hand as he kisses down his chest, and slowly works his way down, kissing any scars he passes on the way. He gets to Link’s pants, looking up at blue eyes to wordlessly ask permission. He gets a blushing face, a shy laugh, and a nod in response. His snowquill pants, and briefs are removed, leaving him only his jacket and the prince for cover. _That’s okay, this is warm enough._

Before, Link would sometimes wonder what he would do with his hands when being intimate underneath someone. In the heated moment they’re both too distracted to worry, but Link has always had idle hands; one holding one of Sidon’s hands on his stomach, and after some thinking, he reaches the other hesitantly down to hold onto the prince’s head. 

In the midst of his lightheaded haze, Link is secretly relieved he bathed before his day ended, since— _oh, fuck, his tongue._ Sidon, very focused on the man below him, sees the wetness on his thighs from before, and some slight scratch marks. Feeling braver than usual, he meets Link’s eyes, making sure he watches, as he sucks further down, working his throat, and drags his claws of his free hand up the other man’s thighs, teasing up to his waist. Link is almost overstimulated, and he knows he’s already dripping, his hips moving in small, slow thrusts with Sidon’s movement. Sidon goes deep enough to feel the curled hair at Link’s base, and the hylian gives a full body shudder, thighs trying to shut as he tries to turn away. 

Sidon, that bastard, gives a soft laugh, sending the sensation up his cock to his hips, and lets Link’s hand go to hold his thighs apart...and removes his mouth, _fuck_. Sidon, enjoying the far away look Link has in his ecstasy, reaches up to rub his stomach, grabbing his attention, as he moves his head farther south, to Link’s entrance. 

_“Is this okay…?”_

_“Yeah….yes…yes, fuck--”_ his moan is choked and swallowed short, tilting his neck back and baring his throat as his prince thrusts his tongue into him, large hands holding his sides tight, digging his claws in to made light red scratches. As focused and attentive Sidon may look, he’s losing his mind, content to keep his reckless hylian in his room for as long as possible. 

Sidon, wanting to lessen the strain, changes to slower, harder movements, moving his right down Link’s body, past his own stomach, and starts stroking his own erection, making itself known, wet and needy. He starts to move his faster, wet strokes accompanying Link and his whimpers. He can tell Link is close, his hips moving as if to follow and try and ride his tongue. The prince gives a few more thrusts, deep as he can reach, and removes his tongue, resting his head on Link’s thigh as he pants, wanting to watch. He shifts his left hand, helping Link along, stroking him at a quick pace. 

_“Ahh! Hnn--”_

Link only lasts half a minute before he cums, a mess between his thighs, shooting white across Sidon’s hand, his stomach, and some dripping down his sides. 

Blushed face, hooded and hazy eyes, and covered in his own mess, Link still looks just as breathtaking, making Sidon wish he had his own way of taking a picture. 

Link, looking up to meet Sidon’s eyes, grabs at his silver neckpiece and brings him down for a deep kiss. Doing so, he can feel Sidon’s own erection on his thigh, warm and dripping. Stopping the kiss, he moves back and raises an eyebrow, and asks Sidon how he’d like to continue. Sidon, eyes dark, whispers in Links ear for him to flip over, and so he lies on his stomach, elbows and legs cushioned on the soft pile below him. He sends a curious noise when he feels the prince behind him, his groin right where Link’s entrance is. Link starts to turn his head when he gets a soft kiss to his hair, _“nothing further, I’m not going in...we’re just going to move. Is that okay?”_

Link gives a soft hum and small smile in response, nodding his head as repositions. 

The next movements have Link’s eyes rolling back as they close, no longer hard but still sensitive, raising his lower half up as Sidon grinds and bucks, getting closer by the second. He has his elbows supporting him, head and shoulders lowered, and his hips raised up by a pillow Sidon shifted under him. Link hums out soft noises, rasping out a soft laugh as he feels Sidon lean over on top of him, chest to back, and holds his hands as he starts to thrust faster. He’s barely leaving any distance between them, and Link thinks Sidon’s close by the soft growls rolling out from behind his sharp teeth. He’s brought out of his daze by Sidon by his ear again. 

“ _Can...can I…? Like this?”_

_“Yes, come on....harder, that’s it...that’s it…”_

A few more hard thrusts, and Sidon makes an even bigger mess of Link, slowing his thrusts to a grind even while he’s shooting. After, Sidon shifts Link to his side, laying down and spooning right behind him, leaving his own marks and cum on his skin. Link doesn’t seem to mind, as they both catch their breath, waiting for his body to return to earth as he gets petted and massaged by the prince. 

Less than an hour later finds them in the shallow end of Sidon’s sleeping pool, completely naked and lazily rinsing themselves, and Sidon, softly guides Link to lean back, resting on his lap, head against his chest. Sidon, tilting his head, sends a sly smirk down to his lover. 

“Next time, if you don’t want to risk scarring anyone who might be wandering by, you don’t have to warp to the shrine like that. We could just plan something, and I could treat you to a nicer evening.” Sidon gets a soft punch to the arm, laughing out into the room, delighting in the soft “shut _up!”_ he hears in response. 


End file.
